She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
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