I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
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