good thing vaginas are great cup holders
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
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