OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?