so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Randomize
