He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
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