I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
It was like giving head to a cactus.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
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