Dub. In the bra. Dub in the bra.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
then he tried to convert me to islam
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Randomize
