I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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