Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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