oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Randomize
