Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
It's never too late to be topless.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
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