only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
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