Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Randomize
