I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Randomize
