my phone needs a breathalizer
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Actions speak louder than pants.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
