My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
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