so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Randomize
