is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
