when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
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