im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
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