Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
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