Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
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17 year olds will be the death of me.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
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and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
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