I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
If its not for food we ain't going out.