I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
15 Things That Could NEVER Happen Anywhere But the South
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
15 Times “Flight of the Conchords” Made You Feel Better About Being a Twenty-Something
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.