Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
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WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
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