apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
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as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
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He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
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