if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Randomize
