You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
