just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
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