Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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