not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Let's get the cat blown out
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
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