I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Randomize
