Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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