Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
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Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
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We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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