what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
