I got her a Nickelback box set.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
