how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
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