new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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