im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
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