she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
Free beer happened. I got hammered and aaron did his first keg stand. Then went all martha stewart on redecorating the bathroom. I remember being at walmart
What theme did he decide on for the bathroom?
Well as you know martha loves the northeast this time of year. I believe the theme was 'coney island' decorrated with hot dogs and macaroni
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
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