$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
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