Your mouth is God's brothel.
I look better un-naked...
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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