so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
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