you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
Randomize
