Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
my being single is dangerous.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
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