I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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