You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
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