She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
I can't turn off my feet"
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
