my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
