There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Randomize
