thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
ugly people sure do ruin things
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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