I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
