my vag is so smooth its legendary
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Randomize
