"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
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