I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
