so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
