I met the friendliest cop last night
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
i will never coherently bang her
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The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
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